in the past week , 4 people have called me out on my mentality of being able to persevere through anything .. or rather - to grit my teeth and suck it up and just deal with things . call it tank , call it whatever you wish .

there are reasons behind the way i think like this - this is just my defense mechanism . nothing matters if you believe that nothing matters . i havent had the best childhood , ive been hurt by several different people growing up , and ive just finished pushing through probably the most emotionally painful phase of my life . its just easier to build walls and hold your own ground : / and thats how its always been . my past relationship taught me to be vulnerable , but ive realized how dangerous that can be.

so given all my recent thoughts and doubts , i feel like even this is too risky .