last time i messed up because i "loved" the wrong person in all the wrong ways . many lessons were derived from that experience , but in particular the statement "the higher you fly the harder you'll fall" was the realest . how could it not be ? the more love you have for a person , the riskier it is because the depth of the hurt that may ensue proportionally increases .

its tough , this past three days were amazing . ive observed qualities that ive never taken much notice to before , and the more i discover , the more i find myself inching forward to where i was before - when i was metaphorically "flying too high". of course it isnt a matter of dependency , which was the main problem in the past relationship , but the insecurity stems from increasingly loving someone who is proving to me more and more how much we mould together & how much he cares . 

the terrifying part is that the possibility of losing that person in whatever manner is just as real . walking into a friends house today & talking with his widowed mother & seeing family pictures with the dad when he was still around was so painful / tomorrow , the words that come out of my mouth may pose to be a roadblock . whether unintentional or intentional , the possibility of losing someone has always been my greatest fear , and to know im loving someone more and more feels a bit like im digging myself into a hole .

i cant imagine what it would be like to be married . to have given your life to someone else and to be 'one' , and then have that taken away from you . 

marriage is such a terrifying but beautiful thing ._.