vulnerability

its one of those nights again. even though its chilly outside my window is cranked open fully, and the frigid air surprisingly doesnt waft in. kind of feels like summer. kind of reminds me of summer.
and summer is something i dont want to be reminded of at this moment.

this is for multiple reasons i suppose. summer reminds me of the lack of school work , also reminds me that i have an assignment due tomorrow and i shouldnt be indulging in things like writing posts for my blog, but whatever. summer reminds me that im not home, that im in london, and i miss home so terribly much. i also think im more volatile after reading good novels, and having just finished the hunger games trilogy i can attest i might be emotional. so in addition to the homesickness , all the longings to be home are exacerbated.  london summers remind me of the transition between first year to second year - how i rotted a little in a basement with a repulsive smoking landlord above my head and barely any friends to confide in, how i was sort of just left behind by the person i, at that time, depended on the most, how i came back and a month later took the greatest emotional hit i have ever taken in my life (how fortunate i am that breaking up with somebody is the height of my distraught. i know others have it so much worse). then the smell of a london summer reminds me of this one to come.

there is so must pressure on this coming summer. maybe ill be stuck here again, maybe ill be stuck at home. there will be 20 000 miles of distance between the person i care so much for, and myself. but i think those are things that i can tough through. correction: that God can tough through for me. but whats the scariest about this coming summer is that it may make or break the rest of my life. third year is almost done and i still feel the need to prove to the dietetic community that i am worth taking in as an intern or candidate for masters. a job, volunteer experience, anything is really what i need. its one thing to trust God through the roller coaster, but its another to know that you can offer more, and then trust God. its a very delicate balance, one that i am still trying to grasp and have unsuccessfully done so.

"whatever you do, work at it with all your heart as for the Lord, not for men" - col 3:23
what is the 'whatever i am doing'?
whatever im doing im definitely not doing it with all my heart.
and that alone means im not doing it enough for the Lord.

just one of those nights where its hard to tough through, and i kind of want to cry and snuggle into a little ball on my bed (which a bug just so happened to decide was its home today - almost went crazy). but this assignment is calling for my attention and thereby also my lack of sleep . bleh .

hahaha .. i update my blog every time im homesick and have nobody to talk to . sad child.